Proactive Directory Assistance

DAVE:   Hello?

PDA:   Hi, this is Marcy from Proactive Directory Assistance.

DAVE:   Uh… yeah?

PDA:   Do you happen to know the number to a local Mexican restaurant called Frontera?

DAVE:   Excuse me?

PDA:   Do you know the number to a restaurant called Frontera?  It shows here that it’s about 4 miles down the road from you.

DAVE:   Ummm… no.  Can’t say I do.  So, what’s this in refer-

PDA:   The number is 256-564-7755.

silence

PDA:   Will that be all today, sir?

DAVE:   I’m not really sure what – uh – yeah, whatever.  Sure.

PDA:   Well again, this is Marcy with Proactive Directory Assistance and we appreciate your business.  For your convenience, our discount rate will appear on your local telephone bill.  We look forward to calling you again in the near future.

DAVE:   Whoa, whoa, whooooaaa.  What?  Did you say – are you trying to charge me or something?

PDA:   This is a one-time charge of .85 for a local number.  Wait a sec, looks like you were already upgraded to Gold.  Congratulations!  We are very happy you have chosen –

DAVE:   No, no, no.  Hell no.  I didn’t ask for the number and – wait a minute – I didn’t even call you.  You called me!

PDA:   Yes sir.  We are Proactive Directory Assistance, always a step ahead of our competition.  And while you didn’t specifically ask for the number, you did tell us you didn’t know the number correct?

DAVE:   Yeah, but – wait a damn minute, I don’t even want the number!  And competition?  Who the hell is your competition?

PDA:   You, sir.

silence

PDA:   Is there anything else we can do for you, sir?

DAVE:   Well, I’m sure as hell not paying for the information you’ve given me.  Flat out.

PDA:   I’m sorry sir, but you already have.

DAVE:   Excuse me?

PDA:   We contract with a company called Proactive Transaction Services.  As a special service, at no extra charge to you, they were able to take care of this entire transaction before we even called you.

silence

DAVE:   This is complete bullshit.  I’m pulling up my bank account right now and if anyone’s fucked around with my account…  You know what?  Let me talk to your boss!

PDA:   No problem, sir.  That number is 888-456-9987.

silence

DAVE:   What are you – no.  I want you to connect me directly, right now, to your – hey, you’re not charging for that are you?

PDA:   Certainly sir.  You did receive the information, correct?

DAVE:   Yes – but –

silence

PDA:   Would you still like for me to connect you directly?

DAVE:   YES!  NO!  Wait!  Are you going to charge me for this?  You know what, just connect me anyway.  Doesn’t fucking matter at this point ‘cause I’m not going to FUCKING PAY YOU A PENNY!

PDA:   Yes, sir.  No problem.  Please hold for a moment and remember that this conversation may be recorded to insure quality service.

silence

PDA:   Hi, this is Dan with Proactive Directory Assistance.  How can we help you today, sir?

DAVE:   Well for one I’m not paying a dime for anything you’ve done or given me because I didn’t ask for any of it.  For starters, Marcy here called me in the middle of my show and – WHAT THE FUCK!

PDA:   I’m sorry sir, is there a problem?

DAVE:   I’m looking at my account right now and there is a charge – a deduction on my bank account for $35!  Are you fucking kidding me?!  You cannot take money out of my account!  I am calling the police right now!

PDA:   Would you like that number, sir?

silence

DAVE:   No goddammit.  I can’t believe you took money out of my account!

PDA:   Actually we didn’t sir.  As Marcy explained we contract with a company called –

DAVE:   FUCK both of you!  You are both insane!

PDA:   I’ll tell you what, sir.  If you like, I can connect you with our complaint department.  There is, of course, no extra charge for our gold customers like yourself, sir.

DAVE:   Complaint depa – gold customer? – is that why you charged – because I’m a gold – what the hell is wrong with you people?

PDA:   Yes, sir.  Our statistics show that the best way to serve you is to proactively assign our most popular combo package, the Gold Package.

DAVE:   Gold package?  You know what you two fucks?  If you don’t reverse this goddamn charge right now, I swear to God I’m going to crawl through this fucking line and strangle the living shit out of both of you.  I mean it.  I’ll find out where this company is and I will come and hold you two stupid fucks underwater for a fucking hour and then I will burn this place to the fucking ground and salt the motherfucking earth so nothing will grow there for centuries.  Do you understand me?  And I’m going to tell every motherfucker I know, including the police and the FBI and the CIA and all my friends, not to answer their phone until I can come down there and stick my whole arm up your asses and grab your trachea and rip it out of your body through your motherfucking assholes.  Do you understand that, you two stupid fucktards?

crying

DAVE:   Cry if you want to you stupid shit.  Mar – seeeee.  Da – yuuuun.  Thieving fuckholes!

PDA:   Actually sir, that’s your fiancé, Rachel.  We called her as part of our Proactive Restaurant Concierge.  She was looking forward to surprising you with a date at the Frontera Mexican Restaurant.

silence

RACHEL:   I’m so – sor – sorry.  I didn’t know you could be like this.  I do – do – don’t understand.

DAVE:   Oh my god!  Rachel?  What are you doing on the line?  What…

RACHEL:   I don’t feel like I kno – know you.

DAVE:   What?  Oh God no, baby.  Listen it’s just – these people – they just got me so excited – I just

RACHEL:   It’s like you weren’t even my fiancé.  Like you were another person.

PDA:   There, there Rachel.  It’ll be ok.

DAVE:   Hey, you shut the fuck up!  That’s my fiancé!  Get off the line you bastard!

RACHEL:   Who are you?

DAVE:   No, baby please listen –

RACHEL:   I’m just, kinda – scared.

PDA:   We understand Rachel

DAVE:   Look, if you don’t get off the line you –

banging

DAVE:   Hold on baby.  Someone’s about to break the damn door down.  Don’t go anywhere.

silence

PDA:   Rachel?

RACHEL:   Yes?

PDA:   It’s going to be alright.  We called the Sheriff as soon as Marcy transferred him to me.

yelling

PDA:   They’ll take care of everything

yelling

PDA:   This happens sometimes.  It’s just a good thing we were here.  God knows what could have happened.

RACHEL:   I’m just so confused.

shots

RACHEL:   Oh my God, what was that?  Gunshots?

OFFICER:   Hello?

PDA:   Hi, this is Dan and Marcy with Proactive Directory Assistance.

OFFICER:   Thank God.  I’m glad you guys called me.  And you were right, this guy was a lunatic.

PDA:   No problem officer.

OFFICER:   Mam, are you going to be ok?

RACHEL:   I’m just so confused.  I – just – I’ll just stay with my friend Lauren.

PDA:   Would you like that number?

 

 

 

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