What do you get when you cross Rachel Ray with Elvira? Nadia Giosia. Host of Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen and comedian extraordinaire. A steamy, gourmet mix of girl-next-door and bombshell-dominatrix-of-the-kitchen. If you actually thought Emeril was kicking it up a notch by throwing an extra pinch of salt into his dish, then you might not be ready for Mrs. G. Can I call you Mrs. G.? Nadia’s badass humor and succulent, themed dishes will turn over your giggle box while activating not only your saliva glands, but a couple of other glands as well. High heels, tattoos, and spatula. Can a dude in a recliner ask for more?
One night not too long ago, my publisher asked us writers about ideas for summer dining. Two of my ideas were interviewing Food Network Stars. Sounds silly, unless you’re up really late at night, two sheets to the wind, staring at pics of Nadia G. on the Internet. Then it makes perfect sense. So I began stalking her publicly, not in forced silence like before. I emailed her a bunch of silly questions. Along with a Restraining Order, I received Nadia’s answers to my questions.
[Shawn] I read that you hate baby corn. That bothers me. No question there, just wanted to let you know that it bothers me.
[Nadia] *enter showdown music
[Shawn] What makes you food horny is your favorite dish?
[Nadia] Thankfully I haven’t reached the point where I depend on food to get off, I can count on liquor for that… I mean ‘humans’, I mean ‘next question’.
[Shawn] I’ve noticed that everyone on YouTube loves you. It’s always a plethora of thumbs up . . . thumb ups . . . thumbs ups . . . anyway, people dig your style. Except for two people. Every video that has you in it. Two thum . . . two people who have a problem with it. Exactly two. You seem to handle people who don’t get it very well (Kathy and Hoda in 2011, Hoda looked genuinely frightened), but if you like, I know some people who can take care of these people (not Hoda and Kathy, but these two haters). Or, are you hating on yourself secretly so you don’t come off as too perfect?
[Nadia] Lol, I’m not hating on myself, (at least not on YouTube.) But I gotta say: whether the comments are positive or negative, I always have a blast reading them. My fav this week comes from user ‘4v10h17r19d20’, who writes: “I deserve exile and a miserable death crushed under a thousand falling Trees .” …Fascinating stuff.
[Shawn] You’re always smiling, and it seems genuine. Can you even make an angry face? I just think a real smile is important. I won’t name any names, but there’s another Italian on the Food Network that could never visit a tribal village where showing your teeth is a sign of aggression. Like a female version of Jim Carey in The Mask. Seriously, you could remove her lips and no one would notice. Can you send a pic of a really angry face and a really happy face? I’ll let the captions be a surprise when the paper comes out.
[Nadia] Naw, I’m not always smiling on my show. In fact, a few months back I pitched ‘Mildly Depressed Kitchen’, but the network execs insisted I do a “travel show”. Go figure.
[Shawn] What will your last words be? Okay, that sounds dark and creepy. But look, you should take some time to think this out. You don’t want to fly off the roller coaster tracks and have your last words be something like Oh my gosh! Or something that everybody else uses like Holy Sh!t. You want something unique that defines you. I see a business model here. Custom Last Words Inc. You want something like Christian Slater’s “Talk Hard.” Or something mysterious like Walt Disney’s last words. There’s something that will stick.
[Nadia] I think this is an excellent business model. Particularly if the fine print reads that grieving family members would only have access last words via subscription. Just kidding. …It should be a one-time fee. Personally, I’ll go with something deep, like: “A straight road has no turning.”
[Shawn] What’s your philosophy in exactly 33 words? Oh, easy you say? Then also make it exactly 148 characters excluding whitespace.
[Nadia] “Après moi, le déluge”. How’s 4 words in French?
[Shawn] Baby corn hater.
[Shawn] To keep a long-standing argument going between me and my wife, do you put sugar or cheese on grits?
[Nadia] I’m gonna go with cheese… and jalapenos… topped with crispy applewood smoked bacon bits… that have been sprinkled with maple sugar :P.
[Shawn] When do we get an autobiography? Or a biography (hint hint)
[Nadia] Eeeeinteresting proposition…
[Shawn] What’s on your bookshelf right now?
[Nadia] Right now I’m reading ‘Tropical Animal’ by Pedro Juan Gutierrez. As for my bookshelf, its stocked with Junot Diaz, Donald Ray Pollock, Chuck Palaniuk, Irvine Welsh… and Stephen Hawking – but that’s just to make me look smart (I can’t be f@cked to ponder on the time/ space continuum.)
[Shawn] Your Wikipedia entry is scant. If I can’t write your biography, can I write your Wiki? It’s a trick question. Anybody can write your Wiki. But can I?
[Nadia] Please do, my wiki sucks! It doesn’t even mention that I’m the first chick in history to go from net to network, OR that I got nominated for a Gemini (it’s like the Emmy’s, but in Canada and nobody cares) …OR that I may or may not be unicorn.
[Shawn] What’s next on the chopping block? Any branching out to different areas? GrindHouse 2? Reality TV? Talk Shows?
[Nadia] These days I have a lot on my plate. I’m currently working on an album, called “Don’t Tell Your Husband That You’d Schtupp Ryan Gossling When You’re Drunk”.
[Shawn] Garfunkel and Oats?
[Nadia] I loved ‘Pregnant Women Are Smug’ — it inspired me to write ‘Bitch, Nobody Cares About Your Wedding Blog’. (Yes, yes, it will be in my new album, don’t worry.)
[Shawn] If you could Clone yourself for a day, what would you have your clone do?
[Nadia] That’s an excellent question. I’d probably train it to be a hedge fund manager, so if my album doesn’t work out…
[Shawn] What would you like to say to Hunstville, AL?
[Nadia] “Heeeeeey, Huntsville! …” (awkward beat).
[Shawn] Baby corn hater.
[Shawn] It looks like you’re going to get to do some travelling with your new gig in 2013. What’s the approach?
[Nadia] It’s a comedy-travel series called ‘Bite This’ – where me and the BK crew prance across the USA eating our way out of as much trouble as we can get into. Its kinda like ‘Spinal Tap’ meets ‘Diner’s, Drive-Ins and Dives’. But with better shoes.
So, if you want some more Nadia G. on your plate, take a look at http://bitchinlifestyle.tv/ , where you can get a brass-knuckle coffee cup, watch G’s music video, or get some kickass recipes. She’s also on the Cooking Channel, Facebook, and all over YouTube.
This article will also be available in the Valley Planet on July 11, 2013.