Happy Family

Meet_AIKO_from_Davao_City_(2088973620)

 

Carlee and Gavin had been fighting for ten straight minutes.  Where to eat, who had to sit in what seat in the back, who was taking a shower first when we got home, who called who a butthole – you name it and they were fighting about it.  My wife Melissa had not taken her medicine today, left it back at the house this morning, and it was showing.  The definition of malcontent.  She was staring out the side window, her mind in some other place far from here.

 

I told them to please hush for the fifteenth time and then threatened to ground them both when Carlee hit Gavin and he called her the B word.  Melissa was ignoring the whole thing, me included when I nudged her on the leg to get her to help.  When she finally did swing around, it was to ask what they were fighting about.  She hadn’t even been listening and now they both launched into simultaneous tirades concerning the last fifteen minutes of arguments.

 

I was getting a headache and my back was tensing up.  I asked Melissa for four Ibuprofen and she was too busy ignoring the kids’ heated and unruly answers to pay attention to me.

 

“Jesus Dad, I’m freakin’ starvin’,” Carlee whined.

 

“Yeah, food would be nice right about now,” Gavin agreed.  Then went back to texting.

 

But they had both agreed and that was like the planets aligning during an eclipse.  That’s when I saw the Chinese restaurant down the street behind Kellerton Mills.  As far as I could remember, that old place had been abandoned since I was a kid.  It had been an ice cream shop, the kind that would slop a big gob of ice cream right in your Coca-Cola.  I made a U-turn and headed back.  It held a nostalgic attraction.

 

Nobody was paying attention as we drove up, but when Melissa looked up and saw the brightly colored green and yellow neon sign, she looked around like she was lost, crinkled her brow, and said, “Yea.  Chinese.”

 

The name of the place was New China.  We got out and noticed a green VW was the only other car in the small parking lot.  It had flowers painted on the side.  It made me smile until Gavin slugged his sister in the arm, a little harder than necessary, and claimed, “Punch bug, can’t punch back!”  Carlee chased him through the doors, cussing him every step of the way.  Melissa rolled her eyes and jerked the door open like she was a hostage.

 

“I want the pot-stickers and the lobster seafood stuff,” Gavin demanded.

 

“If he gets that, then I want the cream cheese thingys and the shrimp platter,” Carlee grumbled.

 

“I’m not eating here,” my wife said, finding another window to stare through while we were here.

 

I noticed that the Chinese lady at the counter had been watching us all very close ever since we entered.  She didn’t seem annoyed, just mildly curious with a poker face of sorts.

 

“Um, hi,” I offered with a smile.  She smiled back.  The first smile I had received back that day if I remember correctly.  “I’ll have the Lobster, number 8 there, and some wantons  and… um, the shrimp platter, number 4 that is, and um… let’s see… how about some Kung Pao chicken, and then a Dr. Pepper, sweet tea, and a Coke with no ice.  Thanks.”

 

She smiled back but did not make a move to record my order.  There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, perhaps only on my side, and then she looked over at my table.  Carlee kicking Gavin underneath the table and Gavin threatening her with bodily harm.  Melissa was parking lot catatonic.

 

“Happy family,” said the Chinese lady with a slight smile.

 

“Oh, uh, well,” I fumbled.  Was she making fun?  “We have our days, you know.”  I tried to smile.

 

“No.  You try Happy Family.”  She pointed above her head without looking up.  “Number 11.  You lucky number today.”

 

“Oh, gosh no.  Trying to the keep the kids, you know, happy,” I said.  I was gesticulating now and for some reason felt like I was apologizing, why I don’t know.

 

“You like Happy Family,” she stated plainly.

 

I was tired.  “Really… just the original order’s good, I think.”

 

“You like Happy Family.  If you don’t like Happy Family, you no charge.”

 

I just didn’t feel like arguing any more and this lady wasn’t understanding at all.  I could have walked out and told her never mind, but that would have led to even more ruckus in the car.

 

I shook my head in resignation.  “You know what?  Sounds fine.  Let’s try it.”

 

“Good man make wise choice,” she said.  Then she broke into a smile wider than I’ve ever seen.  Her teeth were perfect and white and her eyes seemed, now that I was closer to the counter, dilated like she had been to the eye doctor.  I had a very strange sensation on the back of my neck, like I had just walked through a spider web backwards.  I reached for my wallet and it wasn’t in my front pocket.

 

“Sorry.  I left my wallet in the car.  Be right back.”

 

I went to the car to retrieve my wallet, noticing on my way out a small women coming out of the bathroom.  She smiled at me as she walked to the counter to get her food.  My second smile of the day.  Upon reentering the restaurant, I noticed that there were other people in there I hadn’t seen before.  My table was empty.  As I handed the Chinese lady my credit card, I turned to watch two Oriental children quietly doing their homework at a nearby table.  My crew must be in the bathrooms, I thought.

 

There was a very attractive Asian lady picking up some napkins from the front.  Must be their mother.  As she turned to me, I noticed just how amazingly gorgeous she was.

 

“Duck sauce, babe,” she asked?  She smiled.  Smile number three.  And a little mischievously I might add.

 

“Come again?” I said.

 

The Chinese lady at the counter caught my attention and said, “Sign here please.”

 

I was still looking at the beautiful Asian woman who had obviously misspoke when I grabbed the pen.

 

“Oww!”  I meant to holler, but felt like I was at the bottom of a dream well.  My ‘Oww’ came out softly and without conviction.  I looked down at the receipt.  It was such an odd looking receipt, this receipt that the blood from my finger was oozing down on.  How clumsy of the lady to hand me such a sharp pen.  I signed my name with quite the flourish.  It was unlike me to do so, but it felt good just the same.  I was feeling giddy.

 

“Duck sauce is good, honey,” I told my smiling wife.  I grabbed our meal from the nice lady and my children, Yang and Wei, started helping each other get their books together.  I smiled back at the most gracious Chinese lady as a cook pushed through the swinging doors that revealed the kitchen.  As I glanced into the kitchen, it for some reason reminded me of a glorious painting by Hieronymus Bosch.

 

As my Happy Family and I left New China, I smiled at the VW lady who for some reason did not look to be enjoying her Pu Pu Platter.

 

Don’t forget to check out my project on

Sorry, Charlie on Kickstarter

 

Preternatural Freelancer

Trip to the dentist

Pic by emersonquinn and BloodMagazine

 

Josh Pilsner awoke to the unsettling drone of a drill. What type of drill, he could not discern through the fog that enveloped his consciousness. His eyes slowly opened and quickly snapped shut again. A blinding light from above penetrated his eyelids. He was in a seated position. That much he knew, but little else. His head was throbbing. Everything was thick and cloudy. That horrible drill whizzing again somewhere to his left. He tried to open his eyes once more, and finally managed to do so, very slowly.

 

There was a woman to his left. Was he in a hospital? There was that hospital smell; a gagging mix of sterilization and death. The nurse had her back to him, preparing something. Had he been in a wreck? What was the last thing – Ah! He remembered now. He was at a restaurant. Did he drink too much? Get behind the wheel? Oh my God! What if I hurt someone else? His neck muscles protested with dull shards of pain as he turned his head to survey the hospital room. He emitted an involuntary groan as he did so. Bright lights, a hospital bed, shelves of medical supplies, tubing running from the wall, maybe oxygen or something, a stainless steel tray next to him with surgical instruments, a very bright light stabbing him in the eyes from above, and – wait a sec – . Surgical instruments? What the –

 

The nurse was standing in front of him now, looking down at him like a curious bystander who is checking on a bicyclist who’s been hit by a car.

 

“Hey there, sweet lips,” she said with a cheery expression that didn’t match the tone of her voice.  “Looks like I didn’t give you enough anesthesia.”

 

Anesthesia? Surgery?

 

“What happened,” he mumbled. “Did I get in a wreck?”

 

The nurse was turning around to grab something, and that was when he noticed two things. One, there was a peculiar feel to his mouth, a swelling numbness and a strange vacancy of texture he felt when speaking. Two, the nurse in front of him, clad in black, had wings. He moved his tongue around some more and realized what was missing. A tooth. A front tooth at that. He pushed his tongue through the space over and over, unable to yield to the fact that one of his front teeth was no more. The nurse with dragonfly wings turned back around. She was holding a very large wrench. Not the kind of large wrench you would use for turning a nut on a 4×4 truck, but the kind of very large wrench you might use to turn a propeller on a cruise ship. The comically-oversized kind. A strange juxtaposition between the small framed nurse with wings and the shiny wrench that must have weighed 50 lbs.

 

“Sorry about that sport. I’ll use a little more anesthesia this time. K?” She made an apologetic face that offered no real sympathy and then raised the huge wrench like it was a small umbrella.

 

Josh noticed something on her wrists and hands as she did so. It was blood. He peered down at his white tank-top. Blood was everywhere. He looked back up at her (and he hated to admit this, considering the circumstances) rather angelic face and saw an expression that could be considered bored amusement.

 

Josh whimpered, “Is that my anesthesia?”

 

The nurse’s answer was matter-of-fact. “Cheapest there is. I need you to count backward from a hundred.”

 

Josh made an attempt to block the blow. That’s when he realized his hands were tied behind him.

 

“Ninety – . . . “

 

Josh Pilsner awoke to screaming. At first, he thought it was himself, but then realized he was too groggy to move, much less gather the power to scream. His head was moving back and forth and not of his own volition. The pain was now unbearable. His mouth was wet with something, and he felt like he was drowning. He began to gag and fight for breath, but it wasn’t much of a fight. His head stopped moving. There was a slurping sound as something foreign was inserted into his mouth. He managed to open his eyes in time to see the winged nurse remove what looked like a handheld vacuum cleaner. He blinked through tears to catch the nurse as a smeared, tangled image.

 

“Don’t worry. It’s a Dyson.”

 

She sat it back down on the table and Josh could already feel his mouth filling back up with blood. The nurse grabbed something from his right and placed her tiny hands on his head. Her fingers clamped like a vice grip. Something metal, scraping his teeth. A sickening sound. A probing, alien object in his mouth, searching, then finding purchase and a tug. A shooting pain that forced his eyes shut. Now he found the strength to scream. He stopped screaming and for a moment was completely disoriented as the sound continued. But after a few anxious seconds, he realized the screams were emanating from another room.  Another room? My God. What kind of place am I in?

 

“Rere ayum eeyeh?” he garbled. How many teeth am I missing?

 

The cute (how could he continue along that line of thought?) nurse with wings put her hands on her hips in mock exasperation. Then she picked up the wrench again.

 

“Your body doesn’t react very well to the anesthesia.”

 

Crimson spittle flew from his mouth as he screamed, “Ahht’s behawse ihs hotah fuyeeng anehethya. Ihs a gohamn weench!”

 

She stared at him without saying anything for a moment. Josh had the nagging impression that accosting a 95 lb girl who picked up 50 lb wrenches was not the best protocol in a situation like this. He wasn’t sure what the word ‘protocol’ meant, but it sounded right.  While still holding the huge wrench out to her side with one hand, she uttered a question in threatening monotone.

 

“Do you want me to get the really big wrench?”

 

She stared at him, waiting. He stared back wide-eyed, unable to answer. He thought of what a bigger wrench might do if she used it as anesthesia. “No, ayam,” he replied as courteously as possible.

 

“A tough guy, huh. No an uh steesi ah, huh.”

 

She played with the words, mocking his inability to enunciate properly under said conditions. No bedside manner at all, he thought, and kept it to himself.

 

“Ruut appened?” he asked, red drool cascading from the corner of his mouth. He felt weak. Sluggish.

 

“Speed dating,” she answered. “Anesthesia hasn’t worn off yet, I guess. Friend introduced me to it. Definitely a quick way to get the most numbers. Best ROI.”

 

“Awr Oh Eyah,” he mumbled, silently cheering as she put down Anesthesia.

 

“Return on investment, duh.” She gazed at him searchingly for a moment. “You’re not really an investment broker are you? I knew you were lying!” she blurted out.

 

“Oh arah oooh,” he countered and immediately wished he could take it back.

 

“Fair enough,” she said, grabbing a large set of bloody pliers to his right. His head lolled away from the sight as he grew faint. “But a girl’s got to make a living, ya know?” The nurse with wings leaned in, pressing her knee into his groin to hold him in place.

 

“AAAAIIIIIITTTTTEE!” Josh screamed. She stepped back, perturbed.

 

“What, Bleedy Gonzales?” She shrugged with one dainty hand on her hip and one holding the pliers above her shoulder. She was hot in a Gothic kind of way.

 

“Ooh ayah ooh?” he garbled.

 

“Who am I? Well . . . you know what? You’re not going to remember any of this anyway, so who cares? My name is Flora Ide. I used to work for the Preternatural Calcium Recycling Corporation. Very high volume. Very competitive with a commission-only based salary. Do you have any idea how many people just throw away their teeth when they fall out? Do you have any idea how many people don’t even believe in us?” She stared at Josh, searching for some semblance of understanding.

 

Josh wanted to be on her side at this point. He really, really did. He shook his head in the affirmative. Satisfied, she continued.

 

The only real money is in the pre-pubescent, middle-class division. But I kept getting assigned to the elderly division in Russia. Graveyard shift. Ever tried to dig up a coffin that’s under six feet of frozen tundra? Didn’t think so. And then when you’re down there, freezing your wings off (so she does have wings), boom! You’re liable to find that grandma has an empty grill. Is ‘grill’ the right word nowadays?” she asked.

 

Josh shook his head emphatically. He did know what that word meant. And as long as she was talking, she wasn’t pulling. His eyes were still watering. Whatever was clamping his hands together behind his back was slicing into the wrist. He was trying to remember how many quarts of blood was in the human body, and then attempting to compare it with the total amount on his clothes and the floor, all the while making very sure to give this nurse his full attention.

 

“Urah ooph aree?” he asked.

 

“A non-believer?” she said with disbelief. “Even after all this?” She bowed up, her shoulders swelling, and inhaling deeply, was suddenly airborne, flitting around the room with awe-inspiring speed and agility. Her wings but a blur. Then she landed in front of him hard enough to crack the concrete beneath the linoleum. She grinned ear to ear, the buzzing of her wings subsiding. There was a piercing shrill from the next room.

 

“Anyway, there was a huge layoff a few years ago,” and as she spoke, she flitted suddenly forward with no warning and he felt a slight jerk, then more blood filled his mouth. She had plucked out a tooth, by hand, in under a second. “Did you catch that? That’s skill. That’s professional workmanship. But they laid me off anyway. So now, “she explained, turning back to the pliers, “I’m with a group of freelancers in a little, out-of-the-way building. We’re a little more proactive, but we pull in a lot more money. Say, would you like some pulp fiction to read while I continue?”

 

She looked serious. How could he pretend to read right now . . . to make her happy somehow, so that maybe she would . . . and then she busted out laughing.

 

“Get it? Pulp fiction?” she looked him directly in the eyes, askance.

 

Josh tried to smile, his puffy lips spreading wide over his bruised and battered face, a gaping, bloody maw dotted with a few lingering vestiges of teeth. Insecurity and fear spreading equally over his countenance like a tidal wave of terror.

 

In a dark corner of the room, where the overhead light wasn’t working, Josh finally made out the blob where it looked like part of the ceiling had collapsed. What looked like crumbling bits of drywall was actually a humongous pile of teeth. She said, “Out of the way place,” he thought. Somewhere you could torture screaming people with complete disregard for the noise, or the fact that you had wings growing out of your back. He tried to push the thought from his mind, but could not. As her knee pressed deep into his chest, he ventured one more question.

 

“Ere ayar ee?”

 

She stared at him for a moment in awkward silence. A dripping set of pliers hovering over his puppy-dog eyes, begging for mercy that he knew would not come. She was deciding whether or not to tell him. As they were poised there, the wolf and the lamb, frozen in time, the door to the room flashed open and a man stood in the doorway. A man on the top half of his body anyway. He was holding a really big wrench.

 

“Do you need this?” his guttural voice boomed, echoing like a tsunami of despair in the tiny space.

 

Josh answered for her.

 

“Yahs, peez.”